This Thanksgiving, we took time to give thanks for all of our blessings, from pudding cups to plasma TVs. Mostly, though, we felt a deep sense of gratitude for these vast lands we unceremoniously snatched from the Indians, then zoned for commercial use. We're truly indebted to the good Lord for bestowing upon our ancestors the sense of entitlement needed to rape and pillage until prosperity was theirs.
Today, of course, we must also give thanks for corporate fraud, shady accounting practices, insider trading and the many other blessed ways that those with power and money fleece the powerless and the poor. Each day, let's vow to take pleasure in the simple joys of tax evasion and insurance fraud, to celebrate the widening of the gap between the haves and the have-nots, and to cherish our possessions above all else, while always striving to own more, more, more and still more. Let's also remember to be thankful to the media, for sheltering us from the underfed and the disenfranchised and the unphotogenic, telling us stories, instead, about the hottest gated communities and the best 8-cylinder engines and the latest Tom and Katie baby-bump sighting.
Let's pray that the good Lord will continue to bless us as we slowly destroy the earth in pursuit of needless self-indulgence, filthy excess and a vast array of distracting hand-held digital devices.